I’m a sucker for end-of-year reflections because life passes fast and we often don’t realize how much we’ve grown unless we sit down and force ourselves to explore it. I think it’s especially important to take stock at the end of hard years, which can be easy to write off as simply shitty or worth forgetting. And because of health issues this was probably my hardest year, so here we are! A short list of things I’ve learned in 2023 which was, yes, a pretty bad year, but also one sprinkled with a lot of love and evolution.
Hating yourself makes everything harder. This one seems obvious but I think those of us with low self-worth often don’t recognize just how much it can color every aspect of our lives. I’ve always been pretty clear-eyed about how much work there is to be done on loving myself, even if I know deep down that I have good qualities. I know I’m smart, witty, and have a really big, loving heart (which is not to say that I don’t make mistakes or hurt people, just that that’s never my intention). But this year I realized that I beat myself up for pretty much everything not-so-positive that happens to me, instead of seeing those things for what they truly are (bad luck, a common mistake, a penchant for trying to please the wrong people). At my lowest points, I even twist health issues that are out of my control into problems that are somehow my fault.
It’s certainly important to be self-aware—to recognize your flaws—but I’ve realized that living in a headspace where you can do no right is a recipe for misery, and it will make it that much harder to survive hard things. I still have moments of weakness (excessive self-blame) but I learned this year that when self-reflection veers into “you’re a fucking idiot” territory too often, bad things will only feel worse.
Trust your gut (not anyone else’s). The older I get, the more I realize that many seemingly hollow cliches are actually just vital truths. I think many of us (especially women) have gotten out of sync with what our gut is trying to tell us because we’re taught to doubt ourselves and question our own judgment. The current vogue for life optimization (which I’m a sucker for myself) implies that when left to our own devices, we’re essentially bad for ourselves and the internet is rife with advice for every circumstance ever.
I went through a phase last year where I always defaulted to other people’s opinions on what to do next because I was so scared of taking my own advice and, in doing so, I consistently ended up disappointed. Not trusting my gut (which I think of as a strong feeling or premonition about what to do) has had massive implications for my health, relationships, and happiness in the past, so I’ve learned to turn down the volume on other people’s (well-meaning!) advice and follow my own lead. I’m much more confident in my decision-making as a result.
Outgrowing people is a sign of progress. When I did mushrooms and MDMA with a therapeutic guide in 2022 (which I’ll write about more another time) to help my insomnia, I had a lot of striking realizations unrelated to sleep. One of the most helpful was that I tended to cater more to friends who were sort of like fuckboys—inconsistent, selfish, obsessed with image—rather than the truest friends who genuinely showed up for me, exactly as I was/am, and whose values were actually aligned with mine (wanting to live a life that feels good, not just looks good). It was like my daddy issues couldn’t take root with men because I dated good guys, so they played out in a few of my friendships instead.
I had the hard realization that I had become desperate to prove my worth to people I didn’t even like, and that ate away at the quality time I could’ve been spending with people I loved. Over time, I’ve learned that a friendship ending can be the healthiest thing for you, that it’s not a sign of failure or something to avoid at all costs—it can make your life lighter and free you up to spend more time with the right people.
And the greatest friendships are flexible. My big epiphany also taught me that my favorite people are flexible—they don’t set hard and fast expectations for everyone in their life to follow to a T, they understand that life gets hard, that it can be busy, stressful, depressing, weird. They don’t burn you at the stake for canceling plans, going quiet for a few months, or needing to be alone. They don’t expect your life to revolve around theirs, and you don’t expect your life to be the center of theirs either. They’re EASY! I’ve maintained so many friendships from different periods of my life (summer camp, middle school, two different colleges, being a club rat for .5 seconds in my twenties, a terrible job) because they’re with people like this—people with so much grace for others, who know that life is all ebb and flow, forever and ever, and that’s okay.
The right romantic partner will make your core self come alive. I don’t think you need to be in love to be your truest self, but I think the wrong relationships strip away at who we really are. I’ve seen so many people try to shape-shift themselves into being someone else for their partner or lose parts of themselves simply because an unhappy relationship has taken its toll, rendering everything (including their day-to-day excitement) a little gray. This also happens on its own as we grow up and adult life brushes away a lot of our interests and passions as futile, even wastes of time. I’ve known I was in love twice in my life because I felt like a kid again, able to goof off with total abandon and zero shame about how that silliness might be perceived. And in my current relationship, I’ve found myself naturally returning to things I used to do religiously—reading voraciously and writing vulnerably again. B didn’t tell me to do these things, but something about being with him has made me want to get back to them (or really, back to myself).
And a few shorter revelations from the past two years…
Unless your life is at risk, don’t get surgery, ever.
The best jobs aren’t the coolest ones.
“When you know, you know” is true, actually.
Friendships made in adulthood can be some of the richest.
Breaking up can be an act of love.
If you can’t be happy without exercise, it has too much power over you.
No one cares about your physical “flaws” as much as you do.
If you have chronic pain, Reddit will save your life.
Certain people are planted in our lives forever—regardless of distance, different life stages, or directions—and thank god for that.
If you’re feeling resentful, you’re probably avoiding a hard conversation.
Going for a walk is always the answer.
I would love to know what you learned this year, as I’m sure I could use it. Feel free to comment or DM me your wisdom.